Wisdom

Recently, I have been contemplating knowledge. What we learn here in this life is all we will be able to take with us. Yet at the same time, knowledge can be a dangerous thing if we decide we know more than Heavenly Father does.

A friend of mine recently had a discussion with me regarding this to some extent. She recently completed her bachelor's degree and for quite awhile was contemplating furthering her education. Life circumstances made it so that wasn't possible for the time being and then she decided that she really didn't want to, at least not yet. Anyway, in our discussion, she was telling me how many of her friends from college were agnostic. We talked about how we didn't understand how anyone could be. Either you believe in God or your don't. There really is no middle ground. She was telling me that her friends who were agnostic told her that she should understand since she's also of an academic mindset. There's no "proof" there's a God, they said. My friend told them that is what faith is all about. I don't think they saw her point.

Sadly, not too long after this conversation, my friend my decisions that don't make sense to me. She told me, even though she grew up believing such and such was wrong, that right now it's the right thing for her in her life. That just did not make any sense to me considering the conversation we had previously. It was said in an email so I emailed her back and asked her if she believed in anything at all anymore in lieu of our previous conversation regarding agnosticism. I haven't heard back from her since then. I believe I offended her. It seems that her knowledge has gotten in the way of her listening to the counsels of God. It really saddens me and I feel as if I've lost a friend. I'll be here for her if she needs me, but I don't agree with her choices and she knows it.

2 Nephi 9:28-29
"...the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish. But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God." --2 Nephi 9:28-29 (bold and italics added by me)



WARNING: Below this line is hard stuff to read. Stop here if you don't want to deal with the hard stuff I've been through. There may also be a bit TMI (too much information) for some people. Life can be very hard and this is just one thing that I have had to endure. Secrets are not good to keep when trying to heal, even if they are things that are frowned upon being talked about in society.
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Another thing that has been on my mind recently is things of the past. Stuff that happened while I was in high school. I got into a relationship that was abusive in more ways than one. I didn't know how to get out, at the time I thought no one knew because no one ever said anything or told anyone else. How I wished that someone would get me help. No one ever did. Eventually, Heavenly Father helped me help myself out of the situation. A wonderful seminary teacher helped me gain some control over the situation without even knowing about it. I was still in the relationship, but I was able to be strong and put a stop to a lot of what had been going on. He left to go on a mission (not sure if he ever fully realized what he had done to me, that he was sexually abusing me/controlling me, I am unsure if he ever repented, but I forgive him). While he was gone on his mission I dated other people. Word got to him that I was dating others and he tried to control me and tell me I wasn't allowed to do that while he was gone. I was troubled by this. While reading in the doctrine and covenants one morning, I came across this scripture:

D&C 101:79
"Therefore, it is not right that any man should be in bondage one to another."

A light bulb moment. I wrote to him and cut off any possible future relationship with him. I had been in bondage and didn't realize it fully. At that point I was strong enough to get out completely and there was no way I was going to return to that type of relationship again.

I am a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse. What happened long ago has and is affecting my relationship with Kevin. I didn't fully realize it was because of the abuse until recently. I just thought I was abnormal in regards to intimacy. I don't have the desire for physical intimacy beyond hugs and kisses. It was more of a means to an end (pregnancy) or an obligation. Once that end was taken away, the slight desire that was their previously, vanished. I didn't love Kevin any less, but it hurt him tremendously. He didn't quite understand why I was further withdrawing intimately. I didn't really understand it and I didn't like it.

I prayed to Heavenly Father that He would help me to be able to have the desire to want to be more intimate with Kevin as it was killing me that I was hurting him that way and I was tired of feeling like I was abnormal -- a freak. It was one of my most earnest prayers. About a week later, an old online friend of Kevin's randomly popped up on his messenger. He hadn't seen her online for years, really since before Kevin and I had got married. They started talking and it was mentioned that she was a survivor of rape and what the stuff that she had to deal with in results with that. Kevin knew I had been sexually abused and so he wondered if my intimacy issues were related. He briefly talked to his friend about it and she made him realize that he needed to talk to me about it.

When Kevin asked me if maybe my problems with intimacy were related to the abuse, I brushed him off and just told him I was a freak. Later in the day, I started wondering if maybe there was a connection. I googled and found out that lack of desire or avoidance of sex is a very common problem that survivors of sexual abuse have among other things that I also had issues with. It was a light bulb moment.

I am now on a path to recovering even further than I had in the past. Kevin is being a good support. It's hard on him, but at least he is able to know that it's because of my past that I lack the desire and not because of him or me having an interest in anyone else. I am grateful for Heavenly Father hearing my prayer and helping me on the path to recovery and healing fully.

I have started sharing that I am a survivor. Sadly, many of my friends that I have talked to about this are also sexual abuse survivors. None of us knew that others were going through the same thing during that time period. Sexual abuse should not be a secret. Our society needs to have a louder voice on this subject so that victims do not feel they need to keep it a secret. It's such a taboo subject that should not be taboo. It happens. It may have happened to you, it may have happened to a friend, it may still happen to you or to a friend, and it may happen to your son or daughter. A book I'm reading on healing from sexual abuse says that 1 in 3 women have been victims of child sexual abuse and that statistic does not include those who have been sexually abused/raped in a dating relationship like I was. That is far too many. One is too many. Speaking out that I am a survivor is part of me healing. In this journey of sharing with friends, I learned that one of my friends knew and said nothing because she was afraid. It saddens me to know that someone could have helped me then and I wouldn't have had to suffer as much as I did if only they would have been brave. Keeping it a secret does no one any good.

I thank Heavenly Father for helping me to heal, directing my path to friends that can be a good support through this, directing me in choosing a good book to help me, and for directing Kevin to speak to me about it. It is only through Heavenly Father and the Savior that I will be able to fully heal from the sexual abuse I experienced while in high school.