Adoption Ups and Downs

Thursday night I received a call from LDS Family Services about an adoption situation. She asked if we wanted to pursue it as it'd be a private adoption since the birth parents did not want to go through an agency. I felt like it might be something we should do, so I told her to send me the email regarding it and then I'd discuss it with Kevin.

After praying, Kevin and I felt like it we were supposed to pursue it and I emailed the attorney over the adoption with the link to our profile as per the directions of LDSFS in regards to this situation.

The situation is a mother in Georgia who is married and has four children. They have already placed one child previously and are committed to placing this one as well. The baby will be born this coming Thursday via c-section. The mother has not had drugs or alcohol and the baby is thought to be of good health. The gender is unknown. Only a few profiles were going to be shown to this couple, so our chances of being chosen were higher.

Thursday night I was tired, but my brain would not shut off due to all the thoughts running through my head on this possible adoption. It's such short notice so I started thinking about baby names for both genders -- we need a new crib since ours is a drop down and while it's not one that has been recalled, I don't trust side-drop cribs anymore -- if it's a girl, we don't have any girl clothes (I've been assured we are covered for that one from a friend) -- we'll have to have someone watch the boys while we travel to Georgia -- and a million other thoughts ran through my head making it impossible to fall asleep until much later.

I woke up Friday feeling excited for the possibility to finally have a baby in our arms after the years of secondary infertility and the wait it's been so far in our adoption process with the incompetent case worker. I had promised the boys we would go to Lagoon and we were meeting up with a friend from Brandon's school class so we went. I had my phone with me and I kept hearing it ring even though it wasn't. It was just hopeful thoughts of them calling to tell us to make plans on traveling to Georgia. As the day wore on, I began to feel less excited. Have they decided on someone else? Will they even let us know if they choose someone else or will we just be left hanging?

Today, I've answered questions friends have had in regards to the situation and that we still haven't heard back. As it's gotten later today, I've begun to realize we most likely were not chosen and that we won't hear back at all. There's still that small part of me that hopes the birth parents just haven't chosen or they have but the news won't be passed on to us until Monday since it's the weekend. Adoption is such a roller coaster of emotions. I hope I will be able to post that we really were chosen, but it's not looking like it. So, we go back to waiting.

We have an appointment with the director of our agency on Tuesday morning to discuss a new caseworker and such. I had written to him and let him know how displeased we were with our current caseworker. Instead of just changing caseworkers like I had wanted, he felt the need to meet with us in regards to the situation. They did have a different caseworker call to tell us about the above adoption situation, so maybe she'll be our new caseworker. I'm not sure. I just feel heartbroken. I want to have another baby in our family. Ed's five now and we started trying to have another one just before he was one. I don't know how much more my poor heart can take.