Kevin had stuck an envelope from LDS Family Services in my stocking this past Christmas. I was so excited as we had been trying for another little one for quite some time. Our recommends however lapsed and it took us awhile to get in to get them renewed. One thing or another always seemed to come up when we were planning on going in. Finally, we got them renewed. Having a current temple recommend is a requirement to be able to adopt through LDS Family Services.
At that point, I started hesitating. I had felt so strongly it was what Heavenly Father had wanted us to do, but then doubts started to enter my mind. So, we waited. The papers sat on our desk fully filled out just waiting for us to have the faith leap into the adoption process.
During a temple endowment session right before stake conference, I was again prompted that the way to add to our family was through adoption this time around. Again during the adult session of stake conference I received the prompting. I realized that we hadn't signed the papers yet. They were all filled out, but not signed. I kept asking Kevin look them over as up to that point it had only been me who had really read the info and filled out the forms. He kept forgetting.
I told him he needed to get it done before he left on his mini vacation. He of course waited until the night before he left to read over it and sign it. I mailed it off on Friday and it should be reaching the Centerville office the beginning of this week.
So, now the process begins. The process of doing an intake interview, the home study, adoption classes, and then waiting for a birth mother to choose us to adopt her child. I know that this is what Heavenly Father wants us to do. It's been three years this month since we started trying for another one. I never dreamed I would experience the pain of infertility. Just another lesson learned that what we have planned for our lives isn't always what Heavenly Father has planned.
Of course after having the faith to finally mail them in and take the leap into the adoption process, I began having doubts again today. During sacrament meeting today the autism that causes Brandon to think differently became a problem. I love that he thinks differently, but there are times that him thinking differently is a bad thing. He sees the world so differently than most of us. He has a really hard time seeing how others may possibly be seeing them. He will never back down when he thinks he's right. This will almost always lead to some sort of tantrum.
Today, it began with Edward laying his head down on my lap. Doesn't seem like a problem, right? Well, it was, because his head was slightly over my lap and barely touching Brandon's leg. That was just not right for Brandon. He started to complain about it. Trying to keep him from esclating to one of his tantrums, I nicely told him to scoot over. We had an entire center pew to ourselves, so there was plenty of room for him to scoot over. He of course, refused, because he was right. Ed's head should not be touching him at all. So, again, trying to stop it from escalating, I scooted Ed and me over the other way. Brandon of course had to be close to me, so he scooted closer. Guess what?? That meant Ed's head was once again touching his leg! ARGH! So, I spent the majority of Sacrament meeting trying to keep Ed on one side of me (easy to do, he didn't want Brandon to touch him), and Brandon on the other side (very difficult, as he was now in full blown mode of being right and would only do what his brain told him was the right thing, which was to bother Ed since Ed had bothered him).
Of course I'm not sure what really goes through Brandon's head. I just see it from the outside. He views things so differently that it's hard for me to even fathom what he's actually thinking in situations like this.
Ganel-Lyn was a life saver to me today. She came over right after Brandon finally broke through and tackled Ed. I was pulling them apart when she came and asked if Ed would like to go sit with them. He of course wanted to get away from Brandon and thought it was a great idea. I pulled Brandon out into the hall after that and attempted to get him to sit. He's just too big and strong now for me to get him to calm down the ways I used to. He just fights it every step of the way until, in his mind, he wins. He ran from me, and ran into the other entrance to the chapel, back into our pew. Ed was then safe at that point, so I just ignored Brandon. I took my time, went and got a drink, and came back to sit down. I ignored Brandon's antics. He then left the chapel, either to use the restroom or get a drink; I'm not sure. When he came back, he was back to normal, good natured Brandon. He asked to color and was well behaved the rest of the time.
Something just gets into his head and he has to win. Once he wins, he's able to return to being "normal". We have so much less episodes like this now than when he was younger, thank goodness. We have worked hard to help him learn how to adapt to typical society, but the autism wins out every now and then. When it does, that is when I start doubting bringing another child into our family. Yet, even as I type, I receive a strong affirmation from the Spirit that we are supposed to adopt. It feels great to know that we are following the plan Heavenly Father has for us, even though it is not the plan we had envisioned.
