Every year as Mother's Day draws near, I start having very mixed emotions about it. It should be a joyous time when my children and husband show how much they appreciate me. It is that, but at the same time, it's a very, very hard day for me. Six years ago, I had to have an emergency D&C on Mother's Day. I had lost the twins I had been carrying. I didn't even know it was twins until I was losing them. I hadn't had my first appointment with my OB/GYN yet. I was only nine weeks along. That was on of the hardest things I have ever gone through, yet with the help of Heavenly Father, a worthy priesthood holder, and a wonderful blessing of comfort that helped me survive and continue on. I know that I'll be able to raise them someday.
Later that year, I got pregnant with my little Edward. He'll be five years old this July. It's weird to think that if I hadn't lost the twins, I wouldn't have my Edward. He's a joy in my life. He can always make me laugh.
Ironically enough, May 9th (which was Mother's Day in 2004) is also the day that Kevin was paralyzed many years previous. It's a very hard time for the both of us.
I was thinking about my lost babies last night and then today I found out that a friend of mine recently lost the twins she was pregnant with as well. She also had to have an emergency D&C and my heart just went out to her. While her pain is her own, I can fully empathize with her. Losing a child is really hard, no matter what age the child is. I will be praying for her to be able to get through this trial in her life.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Possibility
I spend some of my online time on a forum called diaperswappers. I started going there when I was cloth diapering Edward. Since I started sewing things geared towards cloth diapering mamas, I've stayed there ever since. They have a section there for adoption and foster care. An expectant mother posted that she's considering adoption. I responded to her thread helping to ease some of her fears. She was worried no one would want her child since her previous two children are special needs (autism and cerebal palsy).
I felt inspired to send her a private message including a link to Kevin and mine's adoptive couple profile. I didn't do it right away, I waited until the next day, as I was worried about overstepping the bounds of politeness. She read through our profile and said that while she hasn't made the decision to place just yet as she's only 7 weeks along, if she decides to place, she would definitely consider us. She loves that we already have children since it's important for her child to have siblings.
I don't know if anything will happen from it, but there is the possibility that it may.
I felt inspired to send her a private message including a link to Kevin and mine's adoptive couple profile. I didn't do it right away, I waited until the next day, as I was worried about overstepping the bounds of politeness. She read through our profile and said that while she hasn't made the decision to place just yet as she's only 7 weeks along, if she decides to place, she would definitely consider us. She loves that we already have children since it's important for her child to have siblings.
I don't know if anything will happen from it, but there is the possibility that it may.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Adoption Fundraising
If anyone out there that reads my blog would like to help support Kevin and I in our journey of adoption, you may do so by clicking on the below ChipIn button. It donates the money to our paypal account which will then be transfer to our savings account to stay until we are placed with a baby and need to pay the adoption fees. Thanks for your support!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Wisdom
Recently, I have been contemplating knowledge. What we learn here in this life is all we will be able to take with us. Yet at the same time, knowledge can be a dangerous thing if we decide we know more than Heavenly Father does.
A friend of mine recently had a discussion with me regarding this to some extent. She recently completed her bachelor's degree and for quite awhile was contemplating furthering her education. Life circumstances made it so that wasn't possible for the time being and then she decided that she really didn't want to, at least not yet. Anyway, in our discussion, she was telling me how many of her friends from college were agnostic. We talked about how we didn't understand how anyone could be. Either you believe in God or your don't. There really is no middle ground. She was telling me that her friends who were agnostic told her that she should understand since she's also of an academic mindset. There's no "proof" there's a God, they said. My friend told them that is what faith is all about. I don't think they saw her point.
Sadly, not too long after this conversation, my friend my decisions that don't make sense to me. She told me, even though she grew up believing such and such was wrong, that right now it's the right thing for her in her life. That just did not make any sense to me considering the conversation we had previously. It was said in an email so I emailed her back and asked her if she believed in anything at all anymore in lieu of our previous conversation regarding agnosticism. I haven't heard back from her since then. I believe I offended her. It seems that her knowledge has gotten in the way of her listening to the counsels of God. It really saddens me and I feel as if I've lost a friend. I'll be here for her if she needs me, but I don't agree with her choices and she knows it.
2 Nephi 9:28-29
"...the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish. But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God." --2 Nephi 9:28-29 (bold and italics added by me)
WARNING: Below this line is hard stuff to read. Stop here if you don't want to deal with the hard stuff I've been through. There may also be a bit TMI (too much information) for some people. Life can be very hard and this is just one thing that I have had to endure. Secrets are not good to keep when trying to heal, even if they are things that are frowned upon being talked about in society.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another thing that has been on my mind recently is things of the past. Stuff that happened while I was in high school. I got into a relationship that was abusive in more ways than one. I didn't know how to get out, at the time I thought no one knew because no one ever said anything or told anyone else. How I wished that someone would get me help. No one ever did. Eventually, Heavenly Father helped me help myself out of the situation. A wonderful seminary teacher helped me gain some control over the situation without even knowing about it. I was still in the relationship, but I was able to be strong and put a stop to a lot of what had been going on. He left to go on a mission (not sure if he ever fully realized what he had done to me, that he was sexually abusing me/controlling me, I am unsure if he ever repented, but I forgive him). While he was gone on his mission I dated other people. Word got to him that I was dating others and he tried to control me and tell me I wasn't allowed to do that while he was gone. I was troubled by this. While reading in the doctrine and covenants one morning, I came across this scripture:
D&C 101:79
"Therefore, it is not right that any man should be in bondage one to another."
A light bulb moment. I wrote to him and cut off any possible future relationship with him. I had been in bondage and didn't realize it fully. At that point I was strong enough to get out completely and there was no way I was going to return to that type of relationship again.
I am a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse. What happened long ago has and is affecting my relationship with Kevin. I didn't fully realize it was because of the abuse until recently. I just thought I was abnormal in regards to intimacy. I don't have the desire for physical intimacy beyond hugs and kisses. It was more of a means to an end (pregnancy) or an obligation. Once that end was taken away, the slight desire that was their previously, vanished. I didn't love Kevin any less, but it hurt him tremendously. He didn't quite understand why I was further withdrawing intimately. I didn't really understand it and I didn't like it.
I prayed to Heavenly Father that He would help me to be able to have the desire to want to be more intimate with Kevin as it was killing me that I was hurting him that way and I was tired of feeling like I was abnormal -- a freak. It was one of my most earnest prayers. About a week later, an old online friend of Kevin's randomly popped up on his messenger. He hadn't seen her online for years, really since before Kevin and I had got married. They started talking and it was mentioned that she was a survivor of rape and what the stuff that she had to deal with in results with that. Kevin knew I had been sexually abused and so he wondered if my intimacy issues were related. He briefly talked to his friend about it and she made him realize that he needed to talk to me about it.
When Kevin asked me if maybe my problems with intimacy were related to the abuse, I brushed him off and just told him I was a freak. Later in the day, I started wondering if maybe there was a connection. I googled and found out that lack of desire or avoidance of sex is a very common problem that survivors of sexual abuse have among other things that I also had issues with. It was a light bulb moment.
I am now on a path to recovering even further than I had in the past. Kevin is being a good support. It's hard on him, but at least he is able to know that it's because of my past that I lack the desire and not because of him or me having an interest in anyone else. I am grateful for Heavenly Father hearing my prayer and helping me on the path to recovery and healing fully.
I have started sharing that I am a survivor. Sadly, many of my friends that I have talked to about this are also sexual abuse survivors. None of us knew that others were going through the same thing during that time period. Sexual abuse should not be a secret. Our society needs to have a louder voice on this subject so that victims do not feel they need to keep it a secret. It's such a taboo subject that should not be taboo. It happens. It may have happened to you, it may have happened to a friend, it may still happen to you or to a friend, and it may happen to your son or daughter. A book I'm reading on healing from sexual abuse says that 1 in 3 women have been victims of child sexual abuse and that statistic does not include those who have been sexually abused/raped in a dating relationship like I was. That is far too many. One is too many. Speaking out that I am a survivor is part of me healing. In this journey of sharing with friends, I learned that one of my friends knew and said nothing because she was afraid. It saddens me to know that someone could have helped me then and I wouldn't have had to suffer as much as I did if only they would have been brave. Keeping it a secret does no one any good.
I thank Heavenly Father for helping me to heal, directing my path to friends that can be a good support through this, directing me in choosing a good book to help me, and for directing Kevin to speak to me about it. It is only through Heavenly Father and the Savior that I will be able to fully heal from the sexual abuse I experienced while in high school.
A friend of mine recently had a discussion with me regarding this to some extent. She recently completed her bachelor's degree and for quite awhile was contemplating furthering her education. Life circumstances made it so that wasn't possible for the time being and then she decided that she really didn't want to, at least not yet. Anyway, in our discussion, she was telling me how many of her friends from college were agnostic. We talked about how we didn't understand how anyone could be. Either you believe in God or your don't. There really is no middle ground. She was telling me that her friends who were agnostic told her that she should understand since she's also of an academic mindset. There's no "proof" there's a God, they said. My friend told them that is what faith is all about. I don't think they saw her point.
Sadly, not too long after this conversation, my friend my decisions that don't make sense to me. She told me, even though she grew up believing such and such was wrong, that right now it's the right thing for her in her life. That just did not make any sense to me considering the conversation we had previously. It was said in an email so I emailed her back and asked her if she believed in anything at all anymore in lieu of our previous conversation regarding agnosticism. I haven't heard back from her since then. I believe I offended her. It seems that her knowledge has gotten in the way of her listening to the counsels of God. It really saddens me and I feel as if I've lost a friend. I'll be here for her if she needs me, but I don't agree with her choices and she knows it.
2 Nephi 9:28-29
"...the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish. But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God." --2 Nephi 9:28-29 (bold and italics added by me)
WARNING: Below this line is hard stuff to read. Stop here if you don't want to deal with the hard stuff I've been through. There may also be a bit TMI (too much information) for some people. Life can be very hard and this is just one thing that I have had to endure. Secrets are not good to keep when trying to heal, even if they are things that are frowned upon being talked about in society.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another thing that has been on my mind recently is things of the past. Stuff that happened while I was in high school. I got into a relationship that was abusive in more ways than one. I didn't know how to get out, at the time I thought no one knew because no one ever said anything or told anyone else. How I wished that someone would get me help. No one ever did. Eventually, Heavenly Father helped me help myself out of the situation. A wonderful seminary teacher helped me gain some control over the situation without even knowing about it. I was still in the relationship, but I was able to be strong and put a stop to a lot of what had been going on. He left to go on a mission (not sure if he ever fully realized what he had done to me, that he was sexually abusing me/controlling me, I am unsure if he ever repented, but I forgive him). While he was gone on his mission I dated other people. Word got to him that I was dating others and he tried to control me and tell me I wasn't allowed to do that while he was gone. I was troubled by this. While reading in the doctrine and covenants one morning, I came across this scripture:
D&C 101:79
"Therefore, it is not right that any man should be in bondage one to another."
A light bulb moment. I wrote to him and cut off any possible future relationship with him. I had been in bondage and didn't realize it fully. At that point I was strong enough to get out completely and there was no way I was going to return to that type of relationship again.
I am a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse. What happened long ago has and is affecting my relationship with Kevin. I didn't fully realize it was because of the abuse until recently. I just thought I was abnormal in regards to intimacy. I don't have the desire for physical intimacy beyond hugs and kisses. It was more of a means to an end (pregnancy) or an obligation. Once that end was taken away, the slight desire that was their previously, vanished. I didn't love Kevin any less, but it hurt him tremendously. He didn't quite understand why I was further withdrawing intimately. I didn't really understand it and I didn't like it.
I prayed to Heavenly Father that He would help me to be able to have the desire to want to be more intimate with Kevin as it was killing me that I was hurting him that way and I was tired of feeling like I was abnormal -- a freak. It was one of my most earnest prayers. About a week later, an old online friend of Kevin's randomly popped up on his messenger. He hadn't seen her online for years, really since before Kevin and I had got married. They started talking and it was mentioned that she was a survivor of rape and what the stuff that she had to deal with in results with that. Kevin knew I had been sexually abused and so he wondered if my intimacy issues were related. He briefly talked to his friend about it and she made him realize that he needed to talk to me about it.
When Kevin asked me if maybe my problems with intimacy were related to the abuse, I brushed him off and just told him I was a freak. Later in the day, I started wondering if maybe there was a connection. I googled and found out that lack of desire or avoidance of sex is a very common problem that survivors of sexual abuse have among other things that I also had issues with. It was a light bulb moment.
I am now on a path to recovering even further than I had in the past. Kevin is being a good support. It's hard on him, but at least he is able to know that it's because of my past that I lack the desire and not because of him or me having an interest in anyone else. I am grateful for Heavenly Father hearing my prayer and helping me on the path to recovery and healing fully.
I have started sharing that I am a survivor. Sadly, many of my friends that I have talked to about this are also sexual abuse survivors. None of us knew that others were going through the same thing during that time period. Sexual abuse should not be a secret. Our society needs to have a louder voice on this subject so that victims do not feel they need to keep it a secret. It's such a taboo subject that should not be taboo. It happens. It may have happened to you, it may have happened to a friend, it may still happen to you or to a friend, and it may happen to your son or daughter. A book I'm reading on healing from sexual abuse says that 1 in 3 women have been victims of child sexual abuse and that statistic does not include those who have been sexually abused/raped in a dating relationship like I was. That is far too many. One is too many. Speaking out that I am a survivor is part of me healing. In this journey of sharing with friends, I learned that one of my friends knew and said nothing because she was afraid. It saddens me to know that someone could have helped me then and I wouldn't have had to suffer as much as I did if only they would have been brave. Keeping it a secret does no one any good.
I thank Heavenly Father for helping me to heal, directing my path to friends that can be a good support through this, directing me in choosing a good book to help me, and for directing Kevin to speak to me about it. It is only through Heavenly Father and the Savior that I will be able to fully heal from the sexual abuse I experienced while in high school.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Adoption Profile
We finally have our adoption profile up online. It took me calling our new caseworker and asking her when the profile would be up before she looked it over even though I told her two weeks ago that we had finished everything on there and it was ready to be published.
So here's the info:
This is our adoption profile ID: 23392899
This is the site it's on: http://itsaboutlove.org
This is the direct URL to it: https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/23392899/ourMessage.jsf
Please pass the info on if you hear of anyone who is thinking of placing.
Kevin and I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers as we go through the adoption journey.
So here's the info:
This is our adoption profile ID: 23392899
This is the site it's on: http://itsaboutlove.org
This is the direct URL to it: https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/23392899/ourMessage.jsf
Please pass the info on if you hear of anyone who is thinking of placing.
Kevin and I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers as we go through the adoption journey.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Approved!
It took awhile for us to get everything done that we needed to, but we are now finally approved for adoption. It'll take them a bit to get our profile online, but once it's there, I'll be sure to pass on the link.
I'm so excited to now really start the process of waiting. We've done all we can and now we can only pray and wait for a birth mother to choose to place her baby with our family.
The boys aren't quite understanding that it can take awhile. They keep thinking every time I've had to drive to the agency to drop off paperwork that we'll get a baby. I have to keep explaining that I don't know when we will get to have a baby placed with us, but that it could be a long time still. They are just excited to finally have another sibling.
I'm so excited to now really start the process of waiting. We've done all we can and now we can only pray and wait for a birth mother to choose to place her baby with our family.
The boys aren't quite understanding that it can take awhile. They keep thinking every time I've had to drive to the agency to drop off paperwork that we'll get a baby. I have to keep explaining that I don't know when we will get to have a baby placed with us, but that it could be a long time still. They are just excited to finally have another sibling.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Summer Regression
Every summer, I get to witness Brandon regress more into his autistic self than he is during the school year. The structure of school helps him so tremendously. I attempt to help him during the summer by doing school work stuff with him at home, yet without fail, he regresses.
He's back to being more non-verbal. We get a lot of grunting, screaming and whining. He'll come out of this for at least part of every day, using verbal language to really communicate. If anything upsets him, though, he goes back into the shell his autistic world provides him. I'm sure it provides some sort of protection for him, even though most of the time, it's not really necessary. It gets really tiring to listen to the tantrums that ensue just because I told him he needed to get dressed for the day or various other small things that shouldn't set him off, but do. It's not like I give in when he tantrums. Autistic tantrums are not the same thing as typical children's tantrums.
Typical children will tantrum, but will stop when they realize that it's not getting them what they wanted. Tantrums from an autistic child are nightmares. They don't end, there's not much a parent can do to help them stop. Brandon pretty much as to just work it out himself. All I can do is make sure he's in a safe area and let him be until he is able to finally calm down. On average they last about twenty minutes; sometimes much longer, sometimes less.
Brandon used to not functionally speak. He had words he would say, but they were just echolalia (repeating what we said). We did a therapy called floortime with him to help bring him out of himself into the rest of the world where communication is necessary. Through play, we helped him to recognize that words actually do have meaning. We would tickle him (something he loves) and then stop, waiting for some type of communication from him. Whether or not we would get that communication, we would start again and then stop, waiting once more. He would finally understand and start to make eye contact with a gleam when he wanted more, then we wouldn't accept that as enough to do it again, we requested words such as "more" or "again". It was amazing to see him come out of himself into our world.
Today was one of those days where he actually came into the real world, bring back floortime techniques. We were at Flip's Gym for Edward's class. Brandon was kinda grumpy about having to sit there and watch. He had hidden himself under a chair to try to hide that he was sucking on his finger (another regression thing). I playfully reached down and tickled him. He looked up at me with bright eyes and made a tickling motion with his fingers. I wasn't going to let him get away with just that since he's fully capable of full sentences now. I asked him where his words were. He kept making the tickling motion and eventually said, "Tickle me." Not a great sentence, but one all the same. I tickled him again and stopped. We did this back and forth over about ten minutes. At the end he was actually asking, "Can I have more tickles, please?"
He's capable of so much. Occassionally, we have amazing conversations. It's just so hard to pull him out of his little world to communicate more than a couple turns of conversation. I often wonder what goes on in his head and if he'll be able to function in society when he's grown. Will he be able to be one of the autists that are able to make a difference like Temple Grandin has done? I don't know and that is scary in some ways.
He's so close to being typical that most people can't tell that he has autism. Most of his autistic behavior happens at home. School still sees it, of course, since Spectrum really knows about autism, but the general public have no clue. This is great, but it can make it all the harder since others will expect more out of him than he may be able to give. Small things can set off the randomness that autism is. I'm so grateful to be chosen to raise this special child, to be trusted in helping him reach his full potential.
He's back to being more non-verbal. We get a lot of grunting, screaming and whining. He'll come out of this for at least part of every day, using verbal language to really communicate. If anything upsets him, though, he goes back into the shell his autistic world provides him. I'm sure it provides some sort of protection for him, even though most of the time, it's not really necessary. It gets really tiring to listen to the tantrums that ensue just because I told him he needed to get dressed for the day or various other small things that shouldn't set him off, but do. It's not like I give in when he tantrums. Autistic tantrums are not the same thing as typical children's tantrums.
Typical children will tantrum, but will stop when they realize that it's not getting them what they wanted. Tantrums from an autistic child are nightmares. They don't end, there's not much a parent can do to help them stop. Brandon pretty much as to just work it out himself. All I can do is make sure he's in a safe area and let him be until he is able to finally calm down. On average they last about twenty minutes; sometimes much longer, sometimes less.
Brandon used to not functionally speak. He had words he would say, but they were just echolalia (repeating what we said). We did a therapy called floortime with him to help bring him out of himself into the rest of the world where communication is necessary. Through play, we helped him to recognize that words actually do have meaning. We would tickle him (something he loves) and then stop, waiting for some type of communication from him. Whether or not we would get that communication, we would start again and then stop, waiting once more. He would finally understand and start to make eye contact with a gleam when he wanted more, then we wouldn't accept that as enough to do it again, we requested words such as "more" or "again". It was amazing to see him come out of himself into our world.
Today was one of those days where he actually came into the real world, bring back floortime techniques. We were at Flip's Gym for Edward's class. Brandon was kinda grumpy about having to sit there and watch. He had hidden himself under a chair to try to hide that he was sucking on his finger (another regression thing). I playfully reached down and tickled him. He looked up at me with bright eyes and made a tickling motion with his fingers. I wasn't going to let him get away with just that since he's fully capable of full sentences now. I asked him where his words were. He kept making the tickling motion and eventually said, "Tickle me." Not a great sentence, but one all the same. I tickled him again and stopped. We did this back and forth over about ten minutes. At the end he was actually asking, "Can I have more tickles, please?"
He's capable of so much. Occassionally, we have amazing conversations. It's just so hard to pull him out of his little world to communicate more than a couple turns of conversation. I often wonder what goes on in his head and if he'll be able to function in society when he's grown. Will he be able to be one of the autists that are able to make a difference like Temple Grandin has done? I don't know and that is scary in some ways.
He's so close to being typical that most people can't tell that he has autism. Most of his autistic behavior happens at home. School still sees it, of course, since Spectrum really knows about autism, but the general public have no clue. This is great, but it can make it all the harder since others will expect more out of him than he may be able to give. Small things can set off the randomness that autism is. I'm so grateful to be chosen to raise this special child, to be trusted in helping him reach his full potential.
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