I meant to write about this sooner, but things have been kinda busy around here.
So, this past Saturday, our family was running errands and we went out to lunch at Five Guys Burgers and Fries while we were out. Kevin pointed out a mom at the next table over that was wearing an autism awareness t-shirt. It made me smile since when Brandon was younger, I kinda wanted to get one of those. Then a little bit later, we started to hear some shrieking coming from that table. I just laughed and told Kevin that now we knew which child it was that had autism. He mentioned that just prior to the child shrieking, he had been flapping his hands -- a common way that children with autism self-stimulate.
At that point, I realized just how noisy the restaurant actually was and was telling Kevin that it was probably too loud for the poor kid. That brought my thoughts back to when Brandon was two. We invited the extended family out to Red Robin for his birthday celebration. At that point in time, we didn't know he had autism. We were perplexed as to why he wouldn't sit down and eat. It wasn't just the normal bounciness of young children. He was pacing the table and making loud noises. We had never seen him acting so strange. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, so looking back I can understand what was going on since we learned that he had autism. The restaurant was way too noisy for him. There were too many people, too much noise, and the lights were too bright for my little guy. He was majorly overstimulated and couldn't sit to eat, he needed to pace to cope with the sensory overload.
Fast forward to this past Saturday. The noise was not bothering him at all. He was sitting in his chair, eating his food, and being silly with Edward. I was just so amazed and so grateful that we were able to learn what was causing his odd behavior and that we were able to get him the help he needed so he can function so well now.
He still has times where he gets overstimulated and he'll shut down a bit now, but he's learned how to cope with it much easier.
Last night, we attended the Utah Symphony/Utah Opera's concert for families with children with autism. It was wonderful. A bit noisier and bouncier than other concerts we have attended, but it was so great to see all the children with autism enjoying a concert that they might not otherwise be able to attend due to their disability. Brandon loved being able to bounce during the William Tell Overture (as did a lot of the other children). Utah Symphony/Utah Opera put this on for free every year. They said that this was the 10th year they've done it and it was the first time we've attended it. Next year it'll be in January if any of you were wondering about next year's.
I'm very grateful for Brandon. His autism brings a new point of view on the world and I'm lucky to have been chosen to be his mother by a loving Heavenly Father.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Little Ray of Hope
With it being so close to when I lost the twins, I was feeling pretty discouraged about the whole adoption stuff as well. At times it feels like it's not going anywhere.
The one expectant mother I was in contact with is leaning more towards parenting her baby instead of placing. I was also in contact with a different expectant mother through the same message board. She's expecting twin girls due in August and is pretty sure she's placing. However, she doesn't really respond to me when I message her to check how she's doing. So, she's either chosen another family and doesn't know how to tell me or she thinks I'm a psychopath. Either way, it'd be nice to get a response from her just telling me one way or another. Maybe she hasn't chosen a family yet and just doesn't want to really think about it. I don't know. I'm trying not to check on her too often since I don't want her to think I'm just trying to "steal" her babies or something.
Anyway, about the little ray of hope. I finally logged into my account to see how often my adoption profile has been view. The contact page is often not viewed. The last time I had logged in, it told me that it had been viewed 4 times and I knew at least one of those times had been me checking to make sure all the pages worked. This time when I logged in, it said that it had been viewed 9 times. That gives me a little bit of hope to know that expectant mothers who are considering placing for adoption are actually looking at our profile. I know that Heavenly Father's hand is in all of this, but it can get discouraging from time to time. I think the waiting is the hardest part. Prior to being approved for adoption, you at least have some control over how fast it'll be before being approved. The sooner you get everything done that you are supposed to, the sooner you'll be approved. The waiting, however, is just that, waiting and waiting and waiting. I hope that we are chosen soon.
The one expectant mother I was in contact with is leaning more towards parenting her baby instead of placing. I was also in contact with a different expectant mother through the same message board. She's expecting twin girls due in August and is pretty sure she's placing. However, she doesn't really respond to me when I message her to check how she's doing. So, she's either chosen another family and doesn't know how to tell me or she thinks I'm a psychopath. Either way, it'd be nice to get a response from her just telling me one way or another. Maybe she hasn't chosen a family yet and just doesn't want to really think about it. I don't know. I'm trying not to check on her too often since I don't want her to think I'm just trying to "steal" her babies or something.
Anyway, about the little ray of hope. I finally logged into my account to see how often my adoption profile has been view. The contact page is often not viewed. The last time I had logged in, it told me that it had been viewed 4 times and I knew at least one of those times had been me checking to make sure all the pages worked. This time when I logged in, it said that it had been viewed 9 times. That gives me a little bit of hope to know that expectant mothers who are considering placing for adoption are actually looking at our profile. I know that Heavenly Father's hand is in all of this, but it can get discouraging from time to time. I think the waiting is the hardest part. Prior to being approved for adoption, you at least have some control over how fast it'll be before being approved. The sooner you get everything done that you are supposed to, the sooner you'll be approved. The waiting, however, is just that, waiting and waiting and waiting. I hope that we are chosen soon.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Mixed Feelings About Mother's Day
Every year as Mother's Day draws near, I start having very mixed emotions about it. It should be a joyous time when my children and husband show how much they appreciate me. It is that, but at the same time, it's a very, very hard day for me. Six years ago, I had to have an emergency D&C on Mother's Day. I had lost the twins I had been carrying. I didn't even know it was twins until I was losing them. I hadn't had my first appointment with my OB/GYN yet. I was only nine weeks along. That was on of the hardest things I have ever gone through, yet with the help of Heavenly Father, a worthy priesthood holder, and a wonderful blessing of comfort that helped me survive and continue on. I know that I'll be able to raise them someday.
Later that year, I got pregnant with my little Edward. He'll be five years old this July. It's weird to think that if I hadn't lost the twins, I wouldn't have my Edward. He's a joy in my life. He can always make me laugh.
Ironically enough, May 9th (which was Mother's Day in 2004) is also the day that Kevin was paralyzed many years previous. It's a very hard time for the both of us.
I was thinking about my lost babies last night and then today I found out that a friend of mine recently lost the twins she was pregnant with as well. She also had to have an emergency D&C and my heart just went out to her. While her pain is her own, I can fully empathize with her. Losing a child is really hard, no matter what age the child is. I will be praying for her to be able to get through this trial in her life.
Later that year, I got pregnant with my little Edward. He'll be five years old this July. It's weird to think that if I hadn't lost the twins, I wouldn't have my Edward. He's a joy in my life. He can always make me laugh.
Ironically enough, May 9th (which was Mother's Day in 2004) is also the day that Kevin was paralyzed many years previous. It's a very hard time for the both of us.
I was thinking about my lost babies last night and then today I found out that a friend of mine recently lost the twins she was pregnant with as well. She also had to have an emergency D&C and my heart just went out to her. While her pain is her own, I can fully empathize with her. Losing a child is really hard, no matter what age the child is. I will be praying for her to be able to get through this trial in her life.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Possibility
I spend some of my online time on a forum called diaperswappers. I started going there when I was cloth diapering Edward. Since I started sewing things geared towards cloth diapering mamas, I've stayed there ever since. They have a section there for adoption and foster care. An expectant mother posted that she's considering adoption. I responded to her thread helping to ease some of her fears. She was worried no one would want her child since her previous two children are special needs (autism and cerebal palsy).
I felt inspired to send her a private message including a link to Kevin and mine's adoptive couple profile. I didn't do it right away, I waited until the next day, as I was worried about overstepping the bounds of politeness. She read through our profile and said that while she hasn't made the decision to place just yet as she's only 7 weeks along, if she decides to place, she would definitely consider us. She loves that we already have children since it's important for her child to have siblings.
I don't know if anything will happen from it, but there is the possibility that it may.
I felt inspired to send her a private message including a link to Kevin and mine's adoptive couple profile. I didn't do it right away, I waited until the next day, as I was worried about overstepping the bounds of politeness. She read through our profile and said that while she hasn't made the decision to place just yet as she's only 7 weeks along, if she decides to place, she would definitely consider us. She loves that we already have children since it's important for her child to have siblings.
I don't know if anything will happen from it, but there is the possibility that it may.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Adoption Fundraising
If anyone out there that reads my blog would like to help support Kevin and I in our journey of adoption, you may do so by clicking on the below ChipIn button. It donates the money to our paypal account which will then be transfer to our savings account to stay until we are placed with a baby and need to pay the adoption fees. Thanks for your support!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Wisdom
Recently, I have been contemplating knowledge. What we learn here in this life is all we will be able to take with us. Yet at the same time, knowledge can be a dangerous thing if we decide we know more than Heavenly Father does.
A friend of mine recently had a discussion with me regarding this to some extent. She recently completed her bachelor's degree and for quite awhile was contemplating furthering her education. Life circumstances made it so that wasn't possible for the time being and then she decided that she really didn't want to, at least not yet. Anyway, in our discussion, she was telling me how many of her friends from college were agnostic. We talked about how we didn't understand how anyone could be. Either you believe in God or your don't. There really is no middle ground. She was telling me that her friends who were agnostic told her that she should understand since she's also of an academic mindset. There's no "proof" there's a God, they said. My friend told them that is what faith is all about. I don't think they saw her point.
Sadly, not too long after this conversation, my friend my decisions that don't make sense to me. She told me, even though she grew up believing such and such was wrong, that right now it's the right thing for her in her life. That just did not make any sense to me considering the conversation we had previously. It was said in an email so I emailed her back and asked her if she believed in anything at all anymore in lieu of our previous conversation regarding agnosticism. I haven't heard back from her since then. I believe I offended her. It seems that her knowledge has gotten in the way of her listening to the counsels of God. It really saddens me and I feel as if I've lost a friend. I'll be here for her if she needs me, but I don't agree with her choices and she knows it.
2 Nephi 9:28-29
"...the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish. But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God." --2 Nephi 9:28-29 (bold and italics added by me)
WARNING: Below this line is hard stuff to read. Stop here if you don't want to deal with the hard stuff I've been through. There may also be a bit TMI (too much information) for some people. Life can be very hard and this is just one thing that I have had to endure. Secrets are not good to keep when trying to heal, even if they are things that are frowned upon being talked about in society.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another thing that has been on my mind recently is things of the past. Stuff that happened while I was in high school. I got into a relationship that was abusive in more ways than one. I didn't know how to get out, at the time I thought no one knew because no one ever said anything or told anyone else. How I wished that someone would get me help. No one ever did. Eventually, Heavenly Father helped me help myself out of the situation. A wonderful seminary teacher helped me gain some control over the situation without even knowing about it. I was still in the relationship, but I was able to be strong and put a stop to a lot of what had been going on. He left to go on a mission (not sure if he ever fully realized what he had done to me, that he was sexually abusing me/controlling me, I am unsure if he ever repented, but I forgive him). While he was gone on his mission I dated other people. Word got to him that I was dating others and he tried to control me and tell me I wasn't allowed to do that while he was gone. I was troubled by this. While reading in the doctrine and covenants one morning, I came across this scripture:
D&C 101:79
"Therefore, it is not right that any man should be in bondage one to another."
A light bulb moment. I wrote to him and cut off any possible future relationship with him. I had been in bondage and didn't realize it fully. At that point I was strong enough to get out completely and there was no way I was going to return to that type of relationship again.
I am a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse. What happened long ago has and is affecting my relationship with Kevin. I didn't fully realize it was because of the abuse until recently. I just thought I was abnormal in regards to intimacy. I don't have the desire for physical intimacy beyond hugs and kisses. It was more of a means to an end (pregnancy) or an obligation. Once that end was taken away, the slight desire that was their previously, vanished. I didn't love Kevin any less, but it hurt him tremendously. He didn't quite understand why I was further withdrawing intimately. I didn't really understand it and I didn't like it.
I prayed to Heavenly Father that He would help me to be able to have the desire to want to be more intimate with Kevin as it was killing me that I was hurting him that way and I was tired of feeling like I was abnormal -- a freak. It was one of my most earnest prayers. About a week later, an old online friend of Kevin's randomly popped up on his messenger. He hadn't seen her online for years, really since before Kevin and I had got married. They started talking and it was mentioned that she was a survivor of rape and what the stuff that she had to deal with in results with that. Kevin knew I had been sexually abused and so he wondered if my intimacy issues were related. He briefly talked to his friend about it and she made him realize that he needed to talk to me about it.
When Kevin asked me if maybe my problems with intimacy were related to the abuse, I brushed him off and just told him I was a freak. Later in the day, I started wondering if maybe there was a connection. I googled and found out that lack of desire or avoidance of sex is a very common problem that survivors of sexual abuse have among other things that I also had issues with. It was a light bulb moment.
I am now on a path to recovering even further than I had in the past. Kevin is being a good support. It's hard on him, but at least he is able to know that it's because of my past that I lack the desire and not because of him or me having an interest in anyone else. I am grateful for Heavenly Father hearing my prayer and helping me on the path to recovery and healing fully.
I have started sharing that I am a survivor. Sadly, many of my friends that I have talked to about this are also sexual abuse survivors. None of us knew that others were going through the same thing during that time period. Sexual abuse should not be a secret. Our society needs to have a louder voice on this subject so that victims do not feel they need to keep it a secret. It's such a taboo subject that should not be taboo. It happens. It may have happened to you, it may have happened to a friend, it may still happen to you or to a friend, and it may happen to your son or daughter. A book I'm reading on healing from sexual abuse says that 1 in 3 women have been victims of child sexual abuse and that statistic does not include those who have been sexually abused/raped in a dating relationship like I was. That is far too many. One is too many. Speaking out that I am a survivor is part of me healing. In this journey of sharing with friends, I learned that one of my friends knew and said nothing because she was afraid. It saddens me to know that someone could have helped me then and I wouldn't have had to suffer as much as I did if only they would have been brave. Keeping it a secret does no one any good.
I thank Heavenly Father for helping me to heal, directing my path to friends that can be a good support through this, directing me in choosing a good book to help me, and for directing Kevin to speak to me about it. It is only through Heavenly Father and the Savior that I will be able to fully heal from the sexual abuse I experienced while in high school.
A friend of mine recently had a discussion with me regarding this to some extent. She recently completed her bachelor's degree and for quite awhile was contemplating furthering her education. Life circumstances made it so that wasn't possible for the time being and then she decided that she really didn't want to, at least not yet. Anyway, in our discussion, she was telling me how many of her friends from college were agnostic. We talked about how we didn't understand how anyone could be. Either you believe in God or your don't. There really is no middle ground. She was telling me that her friends who were agnostic told her that she should understand since she's also of an academic mindset. There's no "proof" there's a God, they said. My friend told them that is what faith is all about. I don't think they saw her point.
Sadly, not too long after this conversation, my friend my decisions that don't make sense to me. She told me, even though she grew up believing such and such was wrong, that right now it's the right thing for her in her life. That just did not make any sense to me considering the conversation we had previously. It was said in an email so I emailed her back and asked her if she believed in anything at all anymore in lieu of our previous conversation regarding agnosticism. I haven't heard back from her since then. I believe I offended her. It seems that her knowledge has gotten in the way of her listening to the counsels of God. It really saddens me and I feel as if I've lost a friend. I'll be here for her if she needs me, but I don't agree with her choices and she knows it.
2 Nephi 9:28-29
"...the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish. But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God." --2 Nephi 9:28-29 (bold and italics added by me)
WARNING: Below this line is hard stuff to read. Stop here if you don't want to deal with the hard stuff I've been through. There may also be a bit TMI (too much information) for some people. Life can be very hard and this is just one thing that I have had to endure. Secrets are not good to keep when trying to heal, even if they are things that are frowned upon being talked about in society.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another thing that has been on my mind recently is things of the past. Stuff that happened while I was in high school. I got into a relationship that was abusive in more ways than one. I didn't know how to get out, at the time I thought no one knew because no one ever said anything or told anyone else. How I wished that someone would get me help. No one ever did. Eventually, Heavenly Father helped me help myself out of the situation. A wonderful seminary teacher helped me gain some control over the situation without even knowing about it. I was still in the relationship, but I was able to be strong and put a stop to a lot of what had been going on. He left to go on a mission (not sure if he ever fully realized what he had done to me, that he was sexually abusing me/controlling me, I am unsure if he ever repented, but I forgive him). While he was gone on his mission I dated other people. Word got to him that I was dating others and he tried to control me and tell me I wasn't allowed to do that while he was gone. I was troubled by this. While reading in the doctrine and covenants one morning, I came across this scripture:
D&C 101:79
"Therefore, it is not right that any man should be in bondage one to another."
A light bulb moment. I wrote to him and cut off any possible future relationship with him. I had been in bondage and didn't realize it fully. At that point I was strong enough to get out completely and there was no way I was going to return to that type of relationship again.
I am a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse. What happened long ago has and is affecting my relationship with Kevin. I didn't fully realize it was because of the abuse until recently. I just thought I was abnormal in regards to intimacy. I don't have the desire for physical intimacy beyond hugs and kisses. It was more of a means to an end (pregnancy) or an obligation. Once that end was taken away, the slight desire that was their previously, vanished. I didn't love Kevin any less, but it hurt him tremendously. He didn't quite understand why I was further withdrawing intimately. I didn't really understand it and I didn't like it.
I prayed to Heavenly Father that He would help me to be able to have the desire to want to be more intimate with Kevin as it was killing me that I was hurting him that way and I was tired of feeling like I was abnormal -- a freak. It was one of my most earnest prayers. About a week later, an old online friend of Kevin's randomly popped up on his messenger. He hadn't seen her online for years, really since before Kevin and I had got married. They started talking and it was mentioned that she was a survivor of rape and what the stuff that she had to deal with in results with that. Kevin knew I had been sexually abused and so he wondered if my intimacy issues were related. He briefly talked to his friend about it and she made him realize that he needed to talk to me about it.
When Kevin asked me if maybe my problems with intimacy were related to the abuse, I brushed him off and just told him I was a freak. Later in the day, I started wondering if maybe there was a connection. I googled and found out that lack of desire or avoidance of sex is a very common problem that survivors of sexual abuse have among other things that I also had issues with. It was a light bulb moment.
I am now on a path to recovering even further than I had in the past. Kevin is being a good support. It's hard on him, but at least he is able to know that it's because of my past that I lack the desire and not because of him or me having an interest in anyone else. I am grateful for Heavenly Father hearing my prayer and helping me on the path to recovery and healing fully.
I have started sharing that I am a survivor. Sadly, many of my friends that I have talked to about this are also sexual abuse survivors. None of us knew that others were going through the same thing during that time period. Sexual abuse should not be a secret. Our society needs to have a louder voice on this subject so that victims do not feel they need to keep it a secret. It's such a taboo subject that should not be taboo. It happens. It may have happened to you, it may have happened to a friend, it may still happen to you or to a friend, and it may happen to your son or daughter. A book I'm reading on healing from sexual abuse says that 1 in 3 women have been victims of child sexual abuse and that statistic does not include those who have been sexually abused/raped in a dating relationship like I was. That is far too many. One is too many. Speaking out that I am a survivor is part of me healing. In this journey of sharing with friends, I learned that one of my friends knew and said nothing because she was afraid. It saddens me to know that someone could have helped me then and I wouldn't have had to suffer as much as I did if only they would have been brave. Keeping it a secret does no one any good.
I thank Heavenly Father for helping me to heal, directing my path to friends that can be a good support through this, directing me in choosing a good book to help me, and for directing Kevin to speak to me about it. It is only through Heavenly Father and the Savior that I will be able to fully heal from the sexual abuse I experienced while in high school.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Adoption Profile
We finally have our adoption profile up online. It took me calling our new caseworker and asking her when the profile would be up before she looked it over even though I told her two weeks ago that we had finished everything on there and it was ready to be published.
So here's the info:
This is our adoption profile ID: 23392899
This is the site it's on: http://itsaboutlove.org
This is the direct URL to it: https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/23392899/ourMessage.jsf
Please pass the info on if you hear of anyone who is thinking of placing.
Kevin and I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers as we go through the adoption journey.
So here's the info:
This is our adoption profile ID: 23392899
This is the site it's on: http://itsaboutlove.org
This is the direct URL to it: https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/23392899/ourMessage.jsf
Please pass the info on if you hear of anyone who is thinking of placing.
Kevin and I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers as we go through the adoption journey.
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