Never ending to do list

It seems like no matter how hard I try, I just cannot get the house clean. I work so hard at it daily, still spending time with the boys and there's always more stuff to do. It's quite depressing sometimes.

Kevin and I had wanted to invite family over and have Thanksgiving dinner at our house, but that's not going to happen. No one wants to come to our house. Kevin thinks it might have something to do with our house not ever being clean. I just started crying when he said that. I just keep falling short. Others have their spouses to help out in the cleaning the house up department, I don't. Kevin just can't do the things most people can and it makes it hard. I have so much to do with no help.

I'm lucky to keep up on the laundry and dishes. Maybe one day, I'll be able to master it, but for now, I just can't seem to do it.

A new take on Christmas

I ran across this video on a forum site I visit. What would the world be like if everyone (regardless of religion) gave more of themselves to others and donated what they would have spent on Christmas gifts to others?

Watch the video:

Anyone need any hats for winter?

I've been making cute little winter hats to sell in my online store, but I'm not getting any bites there. So, if any of you out there that read this need a hat or know of someone who needs a hat, send them my way. I have some newborn and baby/toddler hats listed in my store, but I can make larger ones like them.

hyenacart.com/bugned

It's been one of those weeks!

So this past week has been crazy. Last Monday, AF came for a visit, then Tuesday was awful with the snow storm. I have fibromyalgia and arthritis so whenever there's a really big change in the barometer my body responds by being in pain. Summer months are great since I get a break from all that, but I despise winter. I had forgotten just how bad the pain could be until Tuesday.

I was also "lucky" enough to wake up that day with a really bad sore throat. I rested all day and still wasn't feeling much better by Thursday. I decided I needed to go to the doctor at that point since practically all the glands in my neck, even ones I didn't know where there before, were swollen and painful. The nurse did the swab test for strep and when the doctor came in, she was carrying a prescription for antibiotics since the test was positive. So, the strep had already spread into my lymph system and it was time to start meds to stop the progress before it got worse.

I was pretty disappointed that was I was still so very sick since I had wanted to go to the temple on Friday for stake temple day and to hear the temple president speak in the temple chapel, but I couldn't go.

I was feeling a bit better on Saturday and since we had already registered and paid for the Cub Scout Pow Wow, we went. I think that was a mistake. I hoping we'd be able to go to the adult session of stake conference that night, but I was worn out from walking around to our classes by the time we got home from that I had to go to bed early.

Sunday, we went to stake conference, but unfortuneately, we weren't able to stay the whole time, I just wasn't feeling well enough to stay. I wanted to stay, but Kevin thought it would be wise to take me home.

Oh, in case you were wondering, the boys spent the weekend at their grandparents' house so that we'd be able to do all the things we couldn't take them to -- which we didn't even get to do some of and probably shouldn't have gone to the pow wow.

I'm doing better today, but still feel pretty wiped out. I really don't want to get sick again anytime soon.

Infertility is so hard

Once again good old Aunt Flo has arrived. I just don't get it. I've been fasting and praying and I know others are praying for us to be able to get pregnant, yet it just never happens. It's been two and a half years of trying with no luck other than a couple chemical pregnancies.

I'm so frustrated and feel so hopeless. Anyone know of a good RE in the Salt Lake/Bountiful area?

Opened an online store

So, I opened up a hyenacart earlier this week. If anyone wants to check it out, you can go here: hyenacart.com/bugned I've sold five cloth wipes from there so far. I'm hoping others will starting buying stuff. I'd love to make a new blanket as the one pictured in the custom slot was so much fun to make for one of my online friends.

Another uninvited vist

So my lovely Aunt Flo decided to make another uninvited visit today. I was thinking that I might actually be pregnant when all of a sudden she arrives. It was not what I needed/wanted.

I'm now at the point of just not knowing what to do. What step do I next take? Kevin's insurance covers infertility treatments, so we could go the route of IUI or IVF, but I'm not really certain I want to go that route. At the same time, I wonder, Am I doing all that Heavenly Father wants me to do in order to get pregnant? Sometimes we have to do all in our power we can before Heavenly Father will step in and give us the help we have been praying and fasting so much for. Does He expect me to go the route of IUI or IVF? I just don't know.

I've considered adoption, but Kevin isn't too sure. He's worried about the possibility we wouldn't be allowed to adopt due to his disability. I know that we wouldn't be able to adopt from China at least due to that.

It's just all so frustrating. I wanted to go to the temple this evening to just receive the comfort and peace that temple attendance can bring, but Kevin had a prior engagement that he couldn't cancel/miss. So, I had to stay home with the boys.

I ran across an interesting thing comparing infertility to being overdue when pregnant:

It's Like Being Overdue

I thought it was interesting and pretty true. I'm definitely overdue and I'm carrying the baby in my heart.

Vacation to Michigan (Pic Heavy)

We traveled to Michigan for about 10 days for a family vacation and high school reunion for Kevin. We flew into the Detroit, Michigan airport on June 6th (our anniversary). The boys got special treatment on the plane from the flight attendants since they had to wait for the airport to bring the special wheelchair. They got to go into the cockpit and sit in the pilot's chair! Unheard of in these days of increased security. They also got a couple pairs of wings and the one flight attendant gave them a free bag of Twizzlers.





Then we traveled via rental car to Ohio to go to Cedar Point. It's an amusement park that Kevin used to go to when he was a kid and thought it'd be nice to take the boys there. Brandon was just a little bit too short to go on the roller coasters (by two inches), but he had fun on other rides that he could ride with me that weren't the kiddie rides. I only got to go on a couple of the roller coasters, but it was fun all the same. They boys had a blast, especially driving the mini bumper cars.






Snoopy was wandering our hotel and Ed nearly knocked him over when he went to give him a hug. He wouldn't smile for a pic, though, so this is the best ya get:


The next day we played mini golf there and then traveled to Cleveland, OH to the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. This was pretty much just for Kevin as I had no interest what so ever in going there. The boys are still a little young to be interested in it, although they did like the cars that were there. No pictures here as we weren't allowed to take cameras into the museum.

We then traveled back to Michigan and across the state to Muskegon which is right by Lake Michigan. It was awfully foggy and so it was a "no swim" day. We could barely see the water from the parking area there was so much fog. There was a playground right there on the beach, though, so the boys got to play there for a bit. I built a sandcastle with just my hands:


Then I buried Ed in the sand:


And some of them just playing:



The next day we headed to Grand Rapids and met up with an online friend of mine, Lindsy and her three boys. On the way there in the car, Ed decided to decorate himself with stickers:


Here's Lindsy and I with her baby MacAllister (Mac for short):


We had fun chatting and the boys had fun playing. Ed was on a mean streak, though, and was pushing and biting kids (including his brother, but not Lindsy's kids). Because of this a lot of the parents cleared out of the play area. I really have no idea what got into Ed other than not getting enough sleep. Brandon had a lot of meltdowns that day after Lindsy left and we were just browsing the stores at the mall. I had to hold him outside of stores while Kevin looked at things because he just was not listening and would have ended up breaking stuff had we let him be in the store. He really had a major screaming fit. It was not good. We ended up rewarding Edward for listening at that point. He just sat by me while I was fighting to keep Brandon by me.

After that we headed up to Midland, Michigan which is where Kevin is from. We stayed at the H hotel (formerly known as the Ashman Court Hotel). While we where staying there we were rudely awaken at 5:30 am by the fire alarm. We told the boys to get out of bed and wait by the door for us since I had to help Kevin get up. Ed just lied there in bed with his hands over his ears telling us it was too noisy. We finally got him up and then got all of us out the door. We went to the stairs and some men from the floor we were on volunteered to help Kevin down. The boys and I went down and out and waited. It was raining and cold. We waited under the awning over the driveway in front of the front doors with the rest of the people staying or working at the hotel. The alarm was set off in the kitchen yet there was nothing wrong there. They assume that lightning struck the building and set the alarm off as there were no other reasons for it to have gone off. Kevin only made it down to the fourth floor before we were given the all clear to go back inside.

The first full day we were in Midland, we met with an old friend of Kevin's that owns horses and the boys got to ride with Katie leading them and then I got to ride by myself. The last time I rode, it was western style for the reigns and that's what I'm used to. This horse knew English style and so that was weird to get used to, but I adjusted. I was actually able to remember to not sit but to use my leg muscles so that I was going up and down with the horse. Because of this, I didn't hurt the next day like most would have. Katie also told us that owning a horse doesn't have to be expensive and it may be possible for me to get one. There's one for sale not too far from here. The she told us that leasing a horse is also an option for getting into horses and she said I was a natural at riding. Kevin has pics of this on his camera, but I don't have the software for it on the laptop, so I'll have to wait until he gets the pics uploaded.

There was a free splash park near the hotel that the boys had lots of fun at. It was on the chilly side the first time we went (we went three times) and that's the day I took pics:




The actual reunion was ok. I didn't know anyone there besides Kevin and there was a lot of drinking going on. The first part was a informal get together at Buffalo Wild Wings Grill and Bar. Well, we didn't know it, but they were meeting in the bar, so that was interesting. I'm so used to the Utah Clean Air Act that it was strange to be indoors with smoking going on. After about 1.5 hrs, my lungs had it with the smoke. I have mild asthma that has only ever really reacted to exercise, but I now know that it's also smoke induced. My chest was so tight and I started coughing. We left and I had a hard time sleeping because of it. Thankfully, the next part, the family picnic, was outside and the formal dinner was indoors at a place that did not allow smoking.

On the last Sunday we were there, we went to church in Kevin's old ward. It was nice for him to visit with his old ward members. One of them invited us over for dinner and the boys enjoyed playing with their toys. I got to hold a three month old! He was fussy and the dad of the baby (the younger brother of who was Kevin's age growing up) was having a hard time calming him. I asked if I could hold him and got him calmed down pretty quick. Michael (the dad of the baby) asked me how I did it. I told him, "I don't know, I guess it's just because I'm a mom." Then the sweet little thing went to sleep in my arms. I so hope I'll be able to have another little baby of my own to hold in my arms again.

The flight home seemed so long. I'm assuming because I wanted to get home that it felt like it was much longer when it was really only about 30 minutes longer. We went and got our kitty, Oscar, from Kevin's brother's house and then came home. It's so nice to be home once again.

Random Thoughts

So, last Sunday, I decided to finally write in my journal again (my paper one, not a blog). Before I started writing I read my patriarchal blessing. I was reminded of some things that helped me understand the reason behind my struggle with infertility. I felt reassured that I will have another one someday. Of course who knows when that will be. Soon in my mind is definitely not the same soon that Heavenly Father keeps telling me it will be. Sometimes I just wish I understood His timing a bit more. What does "soon" really mean to one who can see the past, present, and future in the same moment?

This past week, I learned that someone else is pregnant. I'm really happy for her knowing that she miscarried earlier this year. Yet at the same time, it's still a bit hard to hear about it when it's taken so long for us to get pregnant this time around. It's a bit hard for me every time I go to church and see the newborns and the pregnant bellies. How I long to experience that again!

And while I long to have another baby, I am truly grateful for my two wonderful boys that Heavenly Father has already blessed me with. They are a joy in my life. Even when Ed's creating some new disaster for me to clean up, I love being a mom (granted I'm not always happy to find a new toilet paper roll completely unrolled yet again). The curiosity that Edward has amazes me. He just has to do things to discover how things work. I can't believe he's going to be three next month. He has totally grown up way too fast.

Speaking of him growing up so fast, Edward is now potty learned (trained) pretty much completely, even over night. It was so much easier than Brandon. I didn't push him, let him go when he wanted to and then encouraged him when he decided he wanted to wear undies instead of diapers. I made him wear a diaper to bed the first two nights and he was kicking and screaming about it. So, on the third night when he wanted to just wear undies I decided I'd let him. He woke up dry. I was so amazed. He's only had one night accident since then and he's been in big boy undies for almost three weeks now. He's so amazing.

Of course with him being potty learned that means my cute fluff (cloth diapers) are sitting there not getting the love they deserve. I've been debating on if I should sell them now or wait. I just hate stuff sitting around not being used, but I know we are trying for another baby. It's now just over two years since we've been trying so it makes it harder for me to want to hold onto it, not knowing just when I'll get to use it again. For the time being I'm going to keep it, I think. In my head I've given a deadline for keeping/selling it. If I'm not pregnant by the end of the year, then I think I'll sell it off. I can always buy more at a later time. We'll see how I feel about it at that time. Since we aren't using them at the moment, I should take pics of my entire stash of cloth diapers. I love them all!

Having a hard day

Well, this month marks the two year point for how long Kevin and I have been trying to conceive this time around. I just don't understand why I can't get pg. Yeah, I do have some things that could affect fertility, but I had surgery and I'm on meds for my low thyroid so neither of those should be a factor anymore. It's just so frustrating and at times I feel like Heavenly Father has abandoned me. So much fasting and prayers for us to have another child come to our home and yet it just doesn't happen. I know when I'm ovulating, we time things right, and still nothing. I know that Heavenly Father's timing is wiser than our own, but it doesn't make it any easier when it's such a righteous desire that is going unanswered/undelivered.

Today is also a hard day because it's the time frame of when I was miscarrying twins back in 2004. Tomorrow actually marks the anniversary of when I had to go to the ER because I was bleeding too much and had to have an emergency D&C and then a blood transfusion. It was actually on Mother's Day in that year. So, every year when it comes around Mother's Day, I get super emotional. Most of the time I don't even realize why I'm getting so emotional, then I stop and think about what day/time of year it is and then I know that it's because I'm missing my lost children.

Clomid is not fun

So, today is day four of clomid. This is my first time taking it, but after almost two years of infertility, having all sorts of tests done and surgery, I figured might as well give it a try. I have short luteal phase (the time between when you ovulate and when your period (AF) arrives). It should be 14 days, but mine is usually 10 days, sometimes 12 if I'm lucky. If it's too short than it can prevent you from getting pregnant. Having a stronger ovulation due to clomid should help to increase my luteal phase. At least that's what I'm hoping for.

I've been getting daily severe headaches since I started taking this, which in turn makes me extremely grumpy. I just hope this works because I don't know what I'll be like on a higher dose if it doesn't work this cycle.

So I'm kinda weird and I usually check to see when I'd be due if I happen to get pregnant. I put in my lmp in the calendar thing at WebMD and found out that I'll be due December 22nd if I happen to conceive this cycle using the clomid.

The weird thing about that is that I miscarried twins in 2004. The due date based on lmp was December 21st. At that time I had received a priesthood blessing and was told that I would have more children and that I'd be able to raise the ones I lost. For me, the impression came that it'd be in this life that I'd be able to raise them, not in the one to come. So, with me being on clomid which increases the chance of twins and the due date being so close to what it had been had I not miscarried the twins, makes me wonder if perhaps, I'll get pregnant with twins. Of course it's all just random speculation at this point, but it'd be pretty funny to me if it happened. Kinda deja vu type of thing.

I think I'm finally getting there

Well, after getting off of the anti-depressants and really, really, really trying hard, I think I'm finally starting to feel more comfortable up here. I feel I'm starting to make friends and feel like I'm kinda fitting it. I actually found someone else in the ward that CD's. So totally amazing to me. I was feeling really "different and weird" when listening to others chatting and it being so very mainstream, so it was refreshing to find another CDer (even if she only uses BGOS). I'm sure the warmer weather and the fact I'm actually trying to exercise more is helping my mood as well. Goodbye SAD! -- well, until next winter.

On another front, Brandon got into Spectrum Academy! I'm so totally thrilled about that. Now I know he'll be able to get the support he needs in school without getting lost in the crowd. I told him that he'd be going to a new school in the fall and he's not completely understanding what that means. Every school day this week he's been asking me which school he's going to. I keep trying to explain to him that he won't be going to the new school until after summer break, but he just doesn't understand that.

He does, however, understand road signs! Well, enough to know what some mean and to ask me what every. single. sign. he doesn't know means. One of his quirky things. It's an obsession that drives me batty some days. Other days I can handle it and just tell him.

Much better

While I still don't feel like I've really made friends yet, I'm doing better emotionally. I came to the realization that I was severely depressed. I went and talked to my doctor about it and he determined that I have seasonal affective disorder. So, I got put on Lexapro to help with it. It has helped so much and Kevin says that I'm much more like my old self. I had probably been dealing with this for a couple years before I finally realized what was going on. I should only need to be on the meds for a couple more months while it's still super yucky weather and then I should be good during the warm spring/summer months.

There are a few women in my ward that I would love to get to know better and really become friends with. I'm hoping to be able to in the near future. If only I wasn't so shy. I mean, I have come a long ways from how I was as a child, but as a child, other kids are usually a bit more understanding of shyness, so it wasn't quite so hard. I guess I sometimes just feel socially inept. I try to be in a conversation, but it's almost like I can't get my foot in the door so to speak. I'm working on it and hopefully, Heavenly Father will hear my prayers and help me to be able to make some good friends up here.